November 11, 2017. The day my world changed forever. I haven't really written much about this day, or the months following because I felt like I wasn't allowed to share. I felt like I wasn't allowed to experience all of the emotions that came from what people viewed as this terrible sin. When I actually announced my pregnancy, my inbox was flooded with people who had condemnation filled tones, asking if I knew it was wrong to have sex outside of marriage. My head was flooded with memories of loved ones taking me aside to express how concerned they were. Whispers behind my back obviously occurred. I'm not ignorant. People will always prefer speaking ill of you behind your back instead of to your face. I learned so much about myself and saw the real side of people throughout the experience. A Time for Celebration New life is supposed to be a celebration. I felt none of that in the beginning. I wanted to feel it because I've always wanted to be a mom and I was so excited to start a family with my best friend. But a huge part of me thought I wasn't allowed to celebrate. “A woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserves to experience unplanned joy.” – Patricia Heaton My sister actually got pregnant right after me. She called me and was definitely just as scared as I was when I first found out. And you know what? No single part of me judged her. Even if I hadn't been pregnant, I still would not have judged her. She's an amazing mom and even then, I knew she would be. I celebrated with her, for her, and I was inwardly very excited from the very beginning. I will admit that I did have a small, passing, selfish reaction to her telling me because I knew how much criticism I had already received, I knew that people would point fingers at me once again. Being the oldest, I'm used to being blamed for other's actions. And while every part me knew that this was nothing to blame her for or to even blame me, I knew it would still happen. This selfish part of me still did not stop me from reaching out to her right away, which is something that I experienced with others who didn't reach out to me. Often, people will sit in their own selfish thoughts about how someone else's behaviors impact their own life instead of reaching out to the person who is the most impacted by it. I chose to allow that passing thought to be what it was, a passing thought. She needed me, not my thoughts of how it impacted me. Jack and Ace are the biggest blessings to our family. They're sweet boys and I know they'll grow up knowing they're loved despite the circumstances that surrounded them. Samantha's pregnancy story is her story to tell so I won't give any more details. I just wanted to share my reaction to show that judging someone else for pregnancy is not a normal reaction. If it is your reaction, re-evaluate. Judging and lovingly bringing awareness of a wrongdoing are two separate things. If someone already knows that they have acted impulsively, then you really don't have to waste your breath in condemning someone who probably already feels condemned. The Day I Found Out The day before I took the pregnancy test, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. I was sick and thought it was the flu about a week prior. I had an event that I was speaking at and was more focused on that. I love public speaking so I was very excited. I felt like I was on top of the world. I feel like I'm walking in my purpose everytime I write a speech and successfully deliver it. Drawing emotion out of people is my focus and I felt that I successfully did that surrounding an issue that I'm passionate about: making sure foster children are loved and looked after. That day, I felt like my parents were the most proud of me that they had ever been. The next day, I went to the grocery store. I bought a bottle of wine and a pregnancy test. I probably looked very irresponsible but I bought the wine to celebrate in case I wasn't pregnant. I got back to my apartment and didn't even put my food away. I wanted to feel the relief of knowing I wasn't pregnant. So, I took the test, let it sit for the amount of time it needed while I put my groceries away. When I walked into the bathroom, I knew. I already knew before I looked at the test but seeing "pregnant" made my world stop. I brought out the test, sat on my floor and stared at the test, begging it to change but also begging it to be true. I went an entire month and a half before I told my parents. I was scared that they would see me differently. A Time of Loneliness and Condemnation
Since I was living alone, I had so much time to spend with Jesus thank Him for new life, ask for direction, etc. I also worked a job that took a lot out of me. It took the joy out of me. I was completely drained, sick, and lost. I can count on one hand how many people checked in with me to make sure I was okay. One of them took me to the ER when I was going on three days of not being able to hold water or food down. She didn't know I was pregnant but as we were on our way there, I casually told her I was pregnant and that girl never once had a judgmental tone in her voice. She responded the way every Christian should and I'll always thank her for that. I'm so thankful for her. She made me feel less alone. I didn't even announce my pregnancy until I was 6 months pregnant. So, I went 6 months of allowing people to think I was gaining weight. 6 months of feeling neglected and very alone. 6 months of feeling lost. When I look at pregnancy announcements now, it's hard for me not to feel a little sting of jealousy. People are always so happy for pregnancies when the couple is married. And on the subject of sex outside of marriage, those pointing the finger were those who also did the same thing and never experienced a "consequence" of it. (I quote consequence because it's such a harsh word and no part of me wants to call Jackson a consequence with the implication of harshness.) They don't even know the story. They don't know how long I waited, if I only had sex once or any of that. All they see with a growing belly of an unwed woman is the scarlet A letter placed on her chest for all to see. Some things aren't meant to be shared with the world and that's why I deleted my blog before this. My only intent with this post is to bring awareness to the cruel behavior shown towards unwed pregnant women, especially unwed Christian pregnant women. Be kinder. Love more. "So promise me you'll never forget...that you aren't an accident or an incident... you are a gift to the world. A divine work of art, signed by God."
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About this page:Here I want to share daily adventures with my little one, tips and tricks I'm learning along the way, and how I stay afloat while managing my businesses from home. Archives
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