Hey, friends!
It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to write and my soul has definitely felt the deprivation. Our son was hospitalized with a virus. Doctors were concerned with his oxygen levels. Everything sort of took a back seat and I have been focusing on getting him better. Ever since he got RSV last winter, he's been struggling often so I've been trying to get his immune system stronger. This has definitely taught me so much about priorities. So many friends and family showed up for him and it touched my heart and showed me the importance of being willing to drop everything I'm doing to show up for others. I am a typical Type A. When I have a set schedule, I stress out and freak out when it gets interrupted. I often plan my entire week with little wiggle room. I have high expectations for myself and I often fall short of my own expectations. What I realized and what I continue to write about always is that relationships are what makes life so much more enjoyable. It isn't what I accomplish. It isn't the success I can write on my walls and boast on my own. It is so easy to prioritize success over relationships but this road to success is rough. It's difficult. And if I don't have anyone to share in the outcome, is it really worth it? It's so easy to say you don't need anyone to get to where you want to be. While you may be able to get to where you want from your own hard work (and blessing upon blessing), once you're there, who do you celebrate with? I told my husband that while I used to have this huge aspiration to pour into hundreds and millions of people, right now I feel called to pour all of me into my little family. That requires some sacrifices, yes. But the relationships that are being built right now will not and cannot be replaced by any amount of money or success that I may have achieved. I often get asked how I was able to maintain a healthy relationship with family before moving into this big season of my life. I've written on this before so I'll just say again that finding out I was pregnant was one of the most difficult things and I've been through quite a bit. Things were said to me, about me. My faith was questioned. It was a true test. But I learned that at the end of the day, people are people. We say hurtful things because we have such high expectations for those we love. They will have to deal with the hurtful things they said but as for me, I choose to move along. We can either choose to maintain a relationship or cut ties. I rarely choose to cut ties unless the person is absolutely toxic. I don't have many people on this list. The only time I choose to disconnect with someone is when they have proven extremely toxic or have potential to be harmful to my family. At the end of this life, I want to be able to say I gave it my all. I want to pour into relationships and experience abundance of grace and love, of life and joy. I cannot change someone but I can show grace to those who need it. Whether they show up for me or not, I want to show up for them. After all, I have had so many friends and family show up for me when I am the least loving to them. If you want to get the most out of life, you're going to have to give the most of yourself. xoxo
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Don't let life happen to you without making things happen in your life for YOU.
What is your immediate reaction when someone tells you a sad story? If you empathize or even sympathize at all, we may immediately place excuses for them. It's understandable. Maybe they were abused as a child, so this serves as an excuse for them to not be successful. Maybe their story is as dark as childhood molestation so this brings further excuses that we allow ourselves to place on them, limiting what we think they are capable of. I'm here to change your perspective on this entire situation. Life happens. Events occur, sickness holds you back. Poverty and financial situations in general set up roadblocks for certain accomplishments and goals that you may want to achieve. I GET that. I understand that while I have a certain amount of statistics against me, I also have a certain privilege that I was born into so while I acknowledge how hard life gets, I also understand that I have been blessed tremendously. I want to preface this post with that in case I come across as insensitive in anyway. I understand that others have it worse but this is written FOR you, not against you. I'm here to change how you think, to challenge your perspective. Stop Limiting Others When I worked with foster children, I made sure to listen to their stories with compassion, to save my story for later, and to challenge them to dig deeper. 1.) Listening. If you're truly listening to a story, you're not listening to respond. Once I realized I was listening to respond, I approached the concept differently and it allowed them to open up more. People recognize when you're listening and thinking about your own response. Listen fully. 2.) Save your story. When someone is sharing their story, in that moment they want it to be about them. Yes, it seems selfish. But allowing them to heal may mean allowing them to be selfish. It's important they know you understand but it's not important to them in that moment to hear that you had it worse. 3.) Challenge them. After they share their story and they've been given time to feel the weight of their emotions, challenge them to dig deeper. Dig deeper into how it impacts their life, how they can make it their platform, and how they can still succeed. We are not doing anyone any justice by placing terrible limits on them. This entire subject dives into the subject of racism, sexism, etc. It's a deep subject. When we only scratch the surface of a topic, we are not doing anyone any favors. Life was not meant to be lived passively. We are active participants. Traumatic events happen. Some of the most successful people that I know have had terrible things happen to them. These are the moments that pushed them into the person that they are today. They didn't succeed DESPITE the circumstances; they succeeded BECAUSE of it. They allowed it to be their platform, their push, their why. When we choose to start seeing people beyond their circumstances, their skin color, even their sexual orientation, we push them to dig deeper for themselves. It is not up to us to decide who they can be or should be but it can be because of us that they become better and do better for themselves and their future or current family. Make life happen for you. Don't just let life happen. XOXO What seemingly small decision are you making today based off of a temporary situation?
Yesterday, I had to remind myself that the work I'm doing is for the long run. I needed a break this week but I've been tempted to throw in the towel. Growth takes time. Good things take time. I've been working very hard for months on something and while I may want immediate results, the reality is that it takes time to grow and develop. Yesterday, I took a break, grabbed my running shoes and ran out the frustration. As I ran, I reflected on how much I have grown as a person and how better my life is now. Instead of giving up this time, I'm taking active measures to ensure my success. I have a couple of things I would like to focus on. In the past, I've become overwhelmed with how much I had on my plate. This time, I'm learning to take breaks instead of making a permanent decision based off of a temporary situation. I temporarily feel discouraged but I often feel motivated and excited so I have to remember that my ups right now are more than my downs. A "small" decision we may choose to make today would be to not work on any of your goals at all because you aren't motivated. Here are some things that I do when I feel momentarily defeated:
Moving to Corpus Christi was honestly a spontaneous decision. I didn't plan it very well and a lot of events happened that almost kept me from coming. My biggest moments in life have happened since living here. If I had given up and left when I wanted to, I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have had my son. I wouldn't have made incredible friends. I wouldn't have been offered this great opportunity I'm pursuing. I wouldn't have been pushed in my former career, stretching me into the person I am today. I made so many connections that will benefit me in the future. Right when we are about to experience a breakthrough is often when we want to give up. Your breakthrough might be around the corner. We cannot see the entirety of our timeline. Trust the process. Grow through the process. Sometimes we temporarily feel angry or upset with someone over something that has been said. I'm learning to let it go. Don't speak in anger because what is said cannot be taken back. A temporary feeling is not worth the pain you could cause a loved one. My mee maw used to say "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" referring to eating food and gaining weight. I tell myself instead "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the heart." Even when forgiven, words can still sting. Be careful about what you speak to yourself and to others in the heat of a temporary moment. One of my closest friends has always told me not to make permanent decisions based off of temporary situations and that little saying is what gets me through life most of the time. Don't lose hope. This process was meant to strengthen you; it wasn't meant to last forever. "We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castenada
I have this quote as my signature on my email. I usually don't think much of it but today I did. There are so many alternative routes in life. We can choose to grow. We can choose to settle. We can choose between several educational or career paths. Or we can choose none of them at all. When I was in college, I worked a lot. I turned down so many invitations because I knew I was developing myself. While I may not have needed the money as much as it's necessary now with a family, I knew that developing a strong work ethic then would help me to develop as a person and it would help me further down the road when I had to learn to make more sacrifices. When I quit my job in March, I knew that my path before me would be difficult and it definitely is but it's a different kind of hard. I was miserable in my job. I loved the mission, I loved the people but I was miserable because I knew it wasn't my calling. Taking that huge leap of faith has developed me into a different person, a more present wife and mother. No part of me has ever doubted quitting. I know it was for the best. Both decisions would lead to difficult paths but one eventually leads to more freedom. Freedom from generational mistakes, freedom from a heap of stress and guilt, and hopefully one day a huge blessing of financial freedom so that we can bless others. We all have a decision to make. We can choose to struggle and crawl down the current path we are on that may lead to nowhere. It may be a little easier than this path that is offered to you as an alternative road but the reward at the end of this destination is so much greater. The journey is so much more fulfilling. I don't know about you, but I would rather walk a harder road that is more fulfilling than a road that is a little easier but a road that wasn't meant for me to walk on. In the same way, we can either choose to approach our personal issues head on and struggle temporarily as we get to the root of our issues or we can struggle for a lifetime with walls and damaged roots. This is something I've been challenging myself with lately. I struggle with communication but a moment of vulnerability is worth it in the end compared to a lifetime of emotional suffering. Whatever decision you're trying to make in your life right now, know that we are meant to live an abundant life. Which path will lead to you living a more fulfilled life? Even if that path leads to temporary discomfort, allow yourself to make that decision so that you can grow. You may have to rip out old roots to build stronger roots, roots that will hold up for generations after you. To sacrifice for your family means to sacrifice the easier route. I will happily choose the harder route if it means an easier life for my family in the future. Today, I choose to make myself strong. Acknowledging a different perspective is so important.
When we are younger, it's hard to see any other perspective except our own. Our world revolves around us and we assume everyone else's does too. I think that a lot of those hurts from unmet expectations carry in to our adult lives. When we aren't loved the way we wanted to be loved when we were children, it's hard to receive and give love the way we were meant to. When we are children, we see the world through such different lenses. Everything we do is so new and exciting and we assume it's new and exciting to other's watching us do it. When we aren't met with the same excitement, the crush to a young spirit is traumatizing and can even last well into adulthood. Not feeling unique, not feeling talented, not feeling wanted and loved are huge issues in and of themselves. Sometimes when I lose my temper or I raise my voice just a little bit, I receive a flashback of a younger version of me being yelled at. It instantly triggers me. I feel like a terrible person. I feel the same fear that I'm going to be the same parent, that I'll just continue with this generational line of belittling. I did that tonight and I'm just now realizing that it's what triggered my silence. Becoming self-aware is a long, difficult process. It may take me longer sometimes to realize what triggers me but I do eventually get there. Today it took me about 5 hours to realize what happened and to tell myself I'm not them, I have God's DNA, I am a new creation. I rose my voice a little bit because I was frustrated. I've had a long day. I still had work to do. My apartment is a mess. I had to cook dinner. When my environment is out of control, I feel out of control. And I don't have a very loud voice so my idea of yelling isn't very loud but it was still enough to make me feel like I'm still in a cycle of generational bad decisions. But what I realized after I rose my voice was that yeah, I made a mistake. I should have taken a moment to just stop. My mental health matters because it impacts others. But the lesson in the mistake is also bigger than my mistake. It's really difficult for me not to forgive those who didn't love me the way I needed to be loved when I was a child. They didn't have the perspective I have now. They didn't have the life lessons, the wisdom poured into me by leaders. They didn't have the resources. When they had one too many, they weren't able to reach down into self-reflection and realize that they needed to stop drinking because their anger was reaching its limit. I honestly believe they just didn't know. That's what was normal to them. Because I have been given the opportunity to self-reflect, to learn, to grow, I'm able to see that they loved me just as they knew how, just as I'm loving my family as I know how. And I pray that my love grows as my knowledge and perspective grows. I never want to stop learning because I never want to stop growing in love. They are so important to me. They mean everything to me. My perspective can be so limiting sometimes. I'm limited to what I see through my own eyes of experience just as everyone else perceives my actions through the eyes of what they have experienced. A baby cries because they have no other form of communication. Some people react in anger instead of calm words because they don't know how else to express themselves. But babies learn to talk, they learn to communicate. Just as we may learn to grow in our levels of communication, how we communicate our feelings and our love. Life is a journey. We will never ever be perfect on this side of heaven. But man, isn't it interesting to see how much we can grow? I never want to stop growing, learning, and loving. I want to always be on the search for something that will make me better, help me love more. What about you? Are you willing to change your perspective on the world in order to love deeper, to live more abundantly? Yesterday I had to go to the grocery store. Somedays I like the little pause a grocery store stop gives me. Somedays, like yesterday, I'm frustrated. I usually go after my work out so I look a hot mess. Yesterday was no exception. The drive from my gym to the store is a minute, if that. So sometimes, I get so frustrated with having to put Jackson into his carseat just to take him right back out. He hates it. I hate it. We're all crying, okay. As I was waiting for a parking spot by the produce side of the store, I almost got too impatient waiting for a truck to leave. He was very close to the door. For any mama with an antsy child, a spot close to the door that is ALSO close to a basket corral is a gift sent from God Himself. The guy was about to leave but I wanted to get my grocery trip over with. But he was taking just one minute too long. Right in that moment, I felt God nudge my heart. I had to take a look inside and realize that just as I was getting too impatient to wait for this perfect parking spot that only required a minute more of waiting, I often get tired and impatient waiting for my calling to come to pass, for my purpose to rise to the surface. I get impatient when I know that I have been working for years on something only for someone who just began the process to rise up and be blessed before I am. We've all been there. The thing is, I didn't know what that man in the truck was doing. That extra minute was probably spent making sure everyone was buckled. The extra time God spends preparing me could be because He's wanting me to bless more people than I have the heart to at this moment in my life. King Saul Pastor Mike Todd has a series right now that I'm watching called Marked. I love it. I've learned so much from it. He's discussed some great topics. One of them being the fact that Saul HIMSELF was marked by God. I often forget that. We view Saul as a thorn in David's side and nothing else but do we forget that Saul was ordained for a reason? God anointed Saul. Saul had an anointing just like David did! It was SAUL who disqualified himself. He got insecure but he was also arrogant. Here's a great article if you would like to look more into where Saul went wrong. Disqualification and Requalification Often, we are disqualifying ourselves. Our own view of ourselves often rewrites our story. Instead of listening to who God says we are, instead of humbling ourselves, we give in to this personal view of ourselves that is not always accurate. God honors obedience. I think that love and obedience are at the root of most issues. When we love, we want to be obedient. When we are obedient, we are willing to be patient as we wait. There is still hope when you have been disobedient. Have you strayed from your own calling because you were tired of waiting? There is still hope. Repentance offers re-qualification (something Pastor Mike Todd preaches). When we've stepped out of our calling, God may have called someone into your calling because the revival He wants to happen is going to take place with or without us, quite honestly. It's easy to read this and get disappointed in ourselves and to lose hope. But there is still grace. There is still a place to be re-qualified. Comparing your calling to someone else's will cause you to miss the blessing God has for you. God blesses us so we can be a blessing to others. The work that God is doing in our hearts is preparation so that He can use us to touch many hearts. Comparing yourself will get you nowhere and it is unkind. We have no idea what that person has been through, what God has brought them through, the lessons God has taught them and is continuing to teach them. It is not our place to compare when we only have a surface knowledge of their life and ministry. Who Am I Truly Living For?
At the end of the day, it causes me to ask myself if I'm truly living for God or for people? Am I living for the likes on social media? For the praise of others? If my honest answer is no then it shouldn't be an issue with how long I have to wait for my blessing. There is LIFE in the waiting. You don't have to view the waiting season as a pause in life. Your waiting season can be full of blessings too. Waiting for the truck to leave the parking spot yesterday was a blessing in disguise too. It caused me to stop and realize that life doesn't have to spent in a rush. Life is meant to be lived, not rushed. Don't rush your blessing. All my life, I have struggled greatly with this idea of perfection. I wrote a blog about my own experience of being poor and remaining in a different mentality than what is associated with that life. I remember being obsessed with maintaining order around me. This is probably because my life was extremely chaotic around me but it began to establish a deeper need for perfection in every area of my life. My dad once joked (well, he wasn't joking, I think he was genuinely concerned) that something was up with me, about the fact that I had to shave my legs everyday. At the time, I was like "What are you talking about? All of my friends shave everyday!" You may be reading this and thinking, "What does this have to do with anything?" But that's when I realized I had an issue with perfection. I had a Class III underbite. I constantly prayed that God would take it away, heal me, etc. I didn't want surgery. I had braces for 8ish years. And what frustrated me the MOST is that I sincerely believed that God could heal me. I knew He could. I've seen Him heal diseases. I've seen Him work miracles in my own life. So, I felt truly unworthy. When we read the Bible, we read stories of miracles and how Jesus spoke of having faith as small as a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20). I had great faith. I truly believed I could wake up and be healed. Because I wasn't healed, it drove me into questioning for years. I questioned myself. I questioned God. One day, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12:7. I had read it many times before. This is where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. It can be interpreted many ways. I interpret this as something in Paul's life that kept him from being prideful. I looked at myself, I looked at all of my flaws. And while every part of me wanted to pick them apart and pick myself apart, I began to choose a different perspective. If I were born any different, I would most certainly struggle with pride. I hated my chin for years. Sometimes I still look at photos and tear my face apart. I was bullied for years. The bullying from others didn't bother me as much as my inner bullying. Maybe it's being married to a man who constantly reminds me how beautiful I am. Maybe it's experiencing such grace in my life, but I no longer want the perfection that a second surgery might bring me. I've been considering surgery that could possibly stop the progression of another underbite from forming, which is something my surgeon warned me of after my jaw surgery. And maybe I'll have it in the future. But I'm honestly in no rush to have it now. Instead of looking at pictures of me in disgust now, I look at myself and see the beauty of grace that God has showered upon me. I wasn't healed physically but He healed me emotionally and that is the biggest miracle of all. It's so hard not to tear yourself apart in the mirror nowadays. We have the media showing us "perfect" people. It's hard not to feel upset about our flaws. Laser hair removal, make up tutorials, perfect hair and bodies, tanning booths and tanning lotion. It's everywhere. But I'm in no rush anymore and I feel no need or desire to change the structure of my face for the world to like it more. I don't know about you but I also struggle with feeling a little hectic when my routine is messed up or when my place is just messy. Lately, I've been literally telling myself to "chill, it's fine. Just live in the moment right now" when I feel like I'm getting a little too OCD about everything. In the past, it's impacted my entire mood. Sometimes it still does but these moments are definitely fewer than they used to be. What's more important to me right now is how I'm stretching my mind, how I'm spreading God's love, and what I'm doing with my talents. Men and women alike both struggle with this. You do not have to conform to the world's standards. Focus on your brain, your heart, your own talents right now. It's okay to want to look good but it's not okay to make others feel bad about themselves. What makes you beautiful is how you treat others. XOXO Focus Forward
Certain things still remind me of those moments. Certain smells. The way the Air Conditioning hits my feet and reminds me to cover them. The other night, as I was lying beside my husband, I took his hand and realized how blessed I am not to be a statistic. I won't pretend to know exact statistics because I think they need to be researched again. But working with the Department, I saw with my own eyes the truth in statistics. Most don't go to college. Most don't find forgiveness. A lot of them never trust someone enough to find the love of their life. My life wasn't and isn't easy but no one's is. I think what separates those who focus forward is the realization of grace, forgiveness, and hope. Grace given to me that I can offer others. Forgiveness to heal myself and those who hurt me. And hope for a better future than my past. I still have a long way to come but if you saw me three years ago, you'd also realize that I've come a long way. Focus forward. Your future has potential to be brighter than your past. When I quit my job, I asked myself a thousand questions:
Why am I doing this? What is my motivation? What will I do now? Will it matter? Will I regret this? What about the teenagers that I can influence? I didn't love my job but I loved moments of it. Some moments were hard. Like the moments where I had to struggle to find a sitter when I would unexpectedly have to work late. Or the moments when I felt that I had to choose between my family and someone else's. I felt that my family values were being tested when I spent more time at work, teaching others to value their family while I spent more time at work than with my own little one. It felt hypocritical. Becoming a mom was honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me (aside from becoming a wife). Jack is mine and Joey's legacy. The moment I saw the pregnancy test was the moment I made a conscious decision to stop a generation of curses and begin a generational cycle of blessings, not in my own strength. Stopping generational curses to me meant a sacrifice. Next to my computer, I had a list of my goals within the Department. I had a list of names of people who were in the job position that I wanted to eventually be in. This list helped me to remember to look at their influence and learn how they do things so I could get there. I also had a print out of the organization's name that I wanted to start within the Department. Leaving my job meant unfinished work and goals that were never reached. For my personality, that was a huge sacrifice. But my family means more to me than all of this. Leaving the Department made me realize what was more important. Sacrificing those goals was an easy decision compared to the lives changed. I am a better wife because I'm more present. I am a better mom. My children and my children's children will forever be changed because of the small decisions made. Because of every blessing, big and small, sent my way, the cycle of generational curses can stop with me. I have been blessed beyond belief. I may have had a lot of dreams and goals with my last job, but quitting my job has set me up for bigger goals and bigger dreams. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that we have been blessed as much as we have but blessings come with obedience and we have definitely strived to live a life of obedience. Live a life of obedience and this will in turn lead to a life of no regret. Someone told me that when you're poor, a certain mentality comes with it. Laziness supposedly accompanies poverty. Lack of motivation. Lack of cleanliness.
I disagree. For most of my life, I had little to nothing. And despite it all, through every experience in life, my motivation never decreased. I still wanted to maintain order in my life. I still knew I wanted to be someone with a purpose in life. Circumstances are not always permanent. We shouldn't make decisions based on events and circumstances that are only temporary. Changing our mentality is created by habits. I create a habit of cleanliness. I create a habit of maintaining motivation. If you base your identity and mentality on the circumstances around you, you create a rocky foundation. It's harder to walk a path that no one else is walking. It's easier to walk a path you're expected to give in to. But walking in a path to fulfill your own hopes and dreams allows you to take back your life. Stop allowing your circumstances to control who you think you are and where you think you're going. Being poor can be a temporary situation. Being poor is not a mentality. Having a season of failure can be a temporary situation. It is not a mentality. So, don't settle for that excuse. Your current situation does not have to control your mentality. Seasons of life are not your destination. Who are you? Who am I? Questioning our identity is almost a part of being human. I don't think I've met a single person who has never questioned who they are, their worth, or their purpose. Throw a traumatic event or two in there, an out of the ordinary childhood, and a Type A personality in there, and you have constant questioning, constant wondering. Because I question myself so much, my intelligence and quick wit is often looked over. That's okay. When a question is asked, instead of being the first to answer, I'm often hesitant if it seems to easy because I assume, "There's no way I'm the smartest person in this room." Here's a silly memory I have to show you what I mean: My first year of college, I befriended a couple of guys who were car enthusiasts. I catch on quick to my environment, so I was quick to pick up on things. I started studying headlights to where I could guess car models to show them that I could keep up with their conversation. When I got back from school, I tried bragging on myself, which I rarely do, to show that I did know a little about cars. I can't remember the exact model (I'm very rusty in my car knowledge now, no pun intended.) but I know it was an Audi. And I knew it was an Audi as it was approaching (even as it was about half a mile away) but I doubted myself because it seemed like such a simple guess. Because I hesitated, I was doubted. Because I was doubted, I doubted myself. Self-doubt is normal. A part of me is glad that I'm not the "know-it-all" in the room but a bigger part of me always wishes I were a little more bold, ready to give the answer even if I'm wrong. At the end of May, I planned a lot for my weekend. I do that a lot. I wanted to please everyone so I jam packed my day instead of thinking about what was best for my family. I pride myself in following through with what I say. Someone I love lied to me a lot growing up and I always wanted to be the opposite. I wanted to mean what I said, do what I said I would do, and be the person I said I would be. When I know I'm going to fall short of my word, I always feel terrible, like falling short means I'm instantly made into a liar instead of giving myself the mercy of having too full of a schedule. When I couldn't follow through, the rock upon which I have built my identity was questioned. Am I a woman of my word? I always thought I was. And I am. I follow through. If I tell you I'm going to do something, I do what I can to follow through. BUT, because I built my identity on this silly little thing, once it was questioned, my entire foundation shook. Not only did I question myself, I questioned whether or not I was like the person who lied to me my entire childhood. Solid Foundation
I am not that person. I am me. My foundation should never have been built on my past, or my desire to not be like someone else. My foundation should have been and should always be on my identity in Christ. I may not always follow through on my word because I am human. But God always says what He means and follows through on His promises. I may not always give the right answers, but God does and He never hesitates with the answers. His yes is yes and His no is no. We are not perfect. How we are perceived may not be who we actually are. But God knows, He sees us. Our identity was never meant to be in our own human abilities or our talents. Our identity and purpose rests in Him. Thank God it does because I may not always be a woman of my word but God is THE word, He always follows through. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways higher than our ways. Who am I? I am His. |