Self-care is important. I advocate for it. I try to take care of myself. But I think sometimes we prioritize it incorrectly and assume that we can reach a level of self-care on our own.
Sometimes we are called to sacrifice. I sacrifice evenings on the couch, watching television for a night behind a computer screen, building a future. I sacrifice nights out for nights in with my child or nights in cooking and cleaning. This doesn't mean it's wrong for you to choose the opposite. I don't look down on that at all, but I think it's time to stop looking down on those who choose a season of minimum "self-care". I used to moan and complain when I didn't get a few nights a week to relax. Now, that's rare for me to relax at all and I'm complaining a lot less. I just realized that tonight I've spent all day pouring out into someone else. My entire day was centered around work, cleaning, my son, planning breakfasts, lunches and dinners and I'm not even drained. A year ago, my mindset then would have left me drained very quickly. Now, I know this is the season I asked for. I prayed for this. I prayed for the work. I just listened to a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick about answered prayers and it made me go "WHOA." He talked about how we often pray for a certain season or gift and then once we get to that season, we are praying for a problem that came with that season. When he said that, I realized I've been praying for a break, which is the opposite of what I was praying for in March when I was praying for this huge breakthrough! Breakthroughs are WORK. They aren't easy. This season that I'm in will not last forever. So many of my blog posts reflect the same recurring theme of this busy season but I know that so many of us are in this right now. And we will get through this together. But let me tell you friend, seasons are meant to build you. They are not meant to last forever. There are moments when I am so CLOSE to just giving up because this is hard work! But it would be so devastating to me and to God if I gave up now. I can't see the timeline. I can't see if I'm at the beginning or if I'm at the end of this, so for me it is very frustrating but for God, He has made it very clear to me that I am to keep working at this. Keep working. I used to advocate for this "hustle everyday" mentality but now, I view that word as a bit harsh. Now, it seems as if I'm insinuating that your hard work will be the reason you are rewarded, when in reality that is only partly true. My hard work will pay off because God paved this path for me. He made the connections for me. He stirred my heart towards this. He gave me a family that would make me put this plan in motion sooner than I would have. This is all glory to God. My strength doesn't come from within me. My strength comes from God. He is the one who called me into this season. It is hard, it is a lot of work but it is also full of laughter, home cooked meals and a happy little guy who is no longer sick every two weeks. Self-care for you may look different than self-care for me and that's okay. Right now, I don't see a lot of manicures, pedicures and hair appointments. I don't see a lot of dinners with friends and relaxing on my nice little patio. What gets me through is the "one day this will pay off". This post was not meant to criticize in anyway or insinuate that if you are making self-care appointments instead of working overtime in the evenings that you are somehow less deserving, that's not what I mean at all. This post is to encourage those who aren't getting a lot of that. It's okay. Our generation advocates strongly for self-care and I honestly love that but if you are in a season where you cannot, realize that your strength comes from a God who is so powerful and sees the entire timeline of your success. Your strength comes from Him. Whether you are going through the motions of what our society views as self-care or not, your cup is filled by Him. I do encourage you to take even 15 minutes a day to just reflect on your day and think of the good things that happened that day. I've been doing that even on days where I'm working from sun up to sun down and it has helped me tremendously. This has probably been the only difference when I compare my busy seasons. It's led me to less complaining and a lot more thanksgiving. I am actually editing this post to include that your health is VERY important. If you are experiencing burn out, your health is declining, or you truly cannot take the stress anymore, reach out for your resources and take a break. Your health is very important! Take note of the signs of a burn out. Know that it's okay to take breaks; taking breaks helps to prevent giving up completely. Love you, friends! Life is meant to be experienced to the FULL. So, if your life right now is chaotic and busy, push through it. Work hard. Get your strength from the ultimate source. We'll make it through together.
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It seems like every "parenting" page talks about mom guilt. I can't speak of dad guilt since I'm not a dad but I do know that exists too and since I want to make my page a place where everyone feels welcome and validated, I would like to also say that you are also dad enough. Dads are often left out of the equation of insecurity in parenting. I do not want to exclude anyone at all.
The other day, I was sitting, trying to work, Jackson was crying and I was overwhelmed with guilt. It wasn't guilt from raising my voice or anything. It was a different kind of guilt. He got RSV last December so anytime he catches a cold, he's just a little more prone to catch RSV again since it's sitting in his lungs for a couple of years. His runny nose turned to a cough and that cough turned to RSV very quickly. Watching your child struggle to breathe is so sad and terrible. My initial reaction to him being sick was guilt. I know he caught a cold from a child at the gym's childcare. I saw a child screaming with a runny nose and thought nothing of it. I saw Jackson chewing on a toy at the childcare and thought nothing of it. But because he has this terrible virus in his lungs for two years, he just so happened to catch it. I felt guilty for going to the gym, for putting him in childcare with other children who were clearly sick. I felt guilty for not paying more attention to the fact that there was a sick child. I felt guilty because I thought it insinuated that I'm not a good enough mother to watch out for these things. I haven't slept much this week. I've prioritized my family, my work, trying to come up with a business plan, writing, etc. I have so much going on that I want to prioritize and I should have prioritized my talks with Jesus because I most definitely wouldn't have struggled as much as I did with the self-guilt. Jack has been very grouchy lately and rightfully so. He's a baby. He's growing, he's sick, he's teething. It's hard being a baby! It really is. And I'm usually not frustrated when he cries but when it's been all day and you're inside for a week to quarantine him, it does make your mind spin a little. So, I raised my voice just a little bit. I wrote a post here about the first time I raised my voice and how guilty I felt. Since I rarely ever raise my voice, Jackson looked at me with a "What???" expression before continuing on in his little scream. For some reason, I have this idea that the mistakes I make like that are going to scar him for the rest of his life. I am intentionally seeking and pursuing a healthy pattern for my family. In order to stop generational mistakes, sometimes you have to do things like stay up late to reflect on what you need to work on. Sometimes sacrificing for my family looks like me leaving for a couple of hours so that I can just get away and get into a safe headspace. I texted my mom because I felt so guilty about raising my voice. I told her that I finally realized I'm wasting all of this guilt and worry, thinking that all of my mistakes are hurting my son for life, when I forget that I have been through the worst of it and I'm here, still singing God's mercy and redemption. Yes, my story could have been written a lot worse. I could have chosen a different route but the fact is that I was able to still turn out okay. And I'm not comparing my parenting to my parent's, but if I turned out okay under such terrible circumstances, how much stronger will Jackson turn out with parents who lean on God for strength and who live in redemption? This is not done in my strength, but His. In His strength, I'm here after years of abuse of every kind. In His strength, I'm mentally strong and emotionally healed. I have a relationship with my birth mother and my son has a relationship with her as well. She's so strong and such a hard worker. As parents, we will never ever be perfect. We will always make mistakes. I've had several parents in my lifetime and for every one of them, I set a high standard of perfection on them like most kids do. Now that I'm a parent, I know how hard it is, I know how impossible it is to do this without Jesus. It just makes it so much easier to forgive and let go. My mom sent me a text as I was questioning my own mom guilt. "Jackson was born loving you and bonded to you and that is a sweet blessing. And you love him unconditionally." This is something I may have to say to myself every morning and every night. I love my little family oh so much. I love that I get to wake up next to my best friend. I love that I get to wake Jackson up. I love that I'm married to a man that allowed me to quit my job to support my dream and at the same time in doing so, giving me the opportunity to spend more time with my son and him. Our life is truly so blessed. I am mom enough. You are mom enough. You are dad enough. You may lose your temper, you may grow impatient at times. It's important to know your limit and when you're getting close to your limit, grant yourself grace. Maybe you yelled at the kids but apologizing to them and letting them see that you make mistakes too is so important. Remind them that God is their only perfect parent and that we have to go to Him for forgiveness too. How sweet it is to know my child loves me. I never want to take that for granted. November 11, 2017. The day my world changed forever. I haven't really written much about this day, or the months following because I felt like I wasn't allowed to share. I felt like I wasn't allowed to experience all of the emotions that came from what people viewed as this terrible sin. When I actually announced my pregnancy, my inbox was flooded with people who had condemnation filled tones, asking if I knew it was wrong to have sex outside of marriage. My head was flooded with memories of loved ones taking me aside to express how concerned they were. Whispers behind my back obviously occurred. I'm not ignorant. People will always prefer speaking ill of you behind your back instead of to your face. I learned so much about myself and saw the real side of people throughout the experience. A Time for Celebration New life is supposed to be a celebration. I felt none of that in the beginning. I wanted to feel it because I've always wanted to be a mom and I was so excited to start a family with my best friend. But a huge part of me thought I wasn't allowed to celebrate. “A woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserves to experience unplanned joy.” – Patricia Heaton My sister actually got pregnant right after me. She called me and was definitely just as scared as I was when I first found out. And you know what? No single part of me judged her. Even if I hadn't been pregnant, I still would not have judged her. She's an amazing mom and even then, I knew she would be. I celebrated with her, for her, and I was inwardly very excited from the very beginning. I will admit that I did have a small, passing, selfish reaction to her telling me because I knew how much criticism I had already received, I knew that people would point fingers at me once again. Being the oldest, I'm used to being blamed for other's actions. And while every part me knew that this was nothing to blame her for or to even blame me, I knew it would still happen. This selfish part of me still did not stop me from reaching out to her right away, which is something that I experienced with others who didn't reach out to me. Often, people will sit in their own selfish thoughts about how someone else's behaviors impact their own life instead of reaching out to the person who is the most impacted by it. I chose to allow that passing thought to be what it was, a passing thought. She needed me, not my thoughts of how it impacted me. Jack and Ace are the biggest blessings to our family. They're sweet boys and I know they'll grow up knowing they're loved despite the circumstances that surrounded them. Samantha's pregnancy story is her story to tell so I won't give any more details. I just wanted to share my reaction to show that judging someone else for pregnancy is not a normal reaction. If it is your reaction, re-evaluate. Judging and lovingly bringing awareness of a wrongdoing are two separate things. If someone already knows that they have acted impulsively, then you really don't have to waste your breath in condemning someone who probably already feels condemned. The Day I Found Out The day before I took the pregnancy test, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. I was sick and thought it was the flu about a week prior. I had an event that I was speaking at and was more focused on that. I love public speaking so I was very excited. I felt like I was on top of the world. I feel like I'm walking in my purpose everytime I write a speech and successfully deliver it. Drawing emotion out of people is my focus and I felt that I successfully did that surrounding an issue that I'm passionate about: making sure foster children are loved and looked after. That day, I felt like my parents were the most proud of me that they had ever been. The next day, I went to the grocery store. I bought a bottle of wine and a pregnancy test. I probably looked very irresponsible but I bought the wine to celebrate in case I wasn't pregnant. I got back to my apartment and didn't even put my food away. I wanted to feel the relief of knowing I wasn't pregnant. So, I took the test, let it sit for the amount of time it needed while I put my groceries away. When I walked into the bathroom, I knew. I already knew before I looked at the test but seeing "pregnant" made my world stop. I brought out the test, sat on my floor and stared at the test, begging it to change but also begging it to be true. I went an entire month and a half before I told my parents. I was scared that they would see me differently. A Time of Loneliness and Condemnation
Since I was living alone, I had so much time to spend with Jesus thank Him for new life, ask for direction, etc. I also worked a job that took a lot out of me. It took the joy out of me. I was completely drained, sick, and lost. I can count on one hand how many people checked in with me to make sure I was okay. One of them took me to the ER when I was going on three days of not being able to hold water or food down. She didn't know I was pregnant but as we were on our way there, I casually told her I was pregnant and that girl never once had a judgmental tone in her voice. She responded the way every Christian should and I'll always thank her for that. I'm so thankful for her. She made me feel less alone. I didn't even announce my pregnancy until I was 6 months pregnant. So, I went 6 months of allowing people to think I was gaining weight. 6 months of feeling neglected and very alone. 6 months of feeling lost. When I look at pregnancy announcements now, it's hard for me not to feel a little sting of jealousy. People are always so happy for pregnancies when the couple is married. And on the subject of sex outside of marriage, those pointing the finger were those who also did the same thing and never experienced a "consequence" of it. (I quote consequence because it's such a harsh word and no part of me wants to call Jackson a consequence with the implication of harshness.) They don't even know the story. They don't know how long I waited, if I only had sex once or any of that. All they see with a growing belly of an unwed woman is the scarlet A letter placed on her chest for all to see. Some things aren't meant to be shared with the world and that's why I deleted my blog before this. My only intent with this post is to bring awareness to the cruel behavior shown towards unwed pregnant women, especially unwed Christian pregnant women. Be kinder. Love more. "So promise me you'll never forget...that you aren't an accident or an incident... you are a gift to the world. A divine work of art, signed by God." In my last post, I talked about setting a routine and why it's important to stick with it. I'm pretty hard on myself when I don't stick to my routine. This week, my routine came to a stop and I had to re-evaluate why I had a routine in the first place.
Our little family got sick. It started with Jack and ended with me. Jack had RSV in December so anytime he gets sick, I do stress a little more. Because he's had RSV, his colds are a little more intense than a normal cold. So, I haven't slept much. I neglected most of my routine and completely focused on him. If this ever happens to you, take a step back. Find your purpose, your why. My family is more important to me. Instead of stressing like I used to in the past, I focused on getting him better. My routine and goals can pick back up when I'm able to focus. Here are some tips when you get overwhelmed with what life throws your way:
I hope that this helps you as well. Life can be full of passion, purpose, hard work, discipline, and success but don't make it completely miserable along the way. It may seem a little odd that my first post on my "mama bear" page of this blog is going to center around you. Routine is important regardless of your age, gender, or even if you don't have children. It's a little easier for a person like me to set a routine because I am pretty persistent with my goal-setting. Nevertheless, it can still be incredibly difficult for me to stick with a routine, especially with having a business, hobbies, and being a stay-at-home mama. Next week, I plan to create some free routine pages that have helped me to stick with a routine so it can help you as well! For parents reading this: How do we expect our children to follow a routine if we aren't even in a routine? We always hear how important it is for our babies, toddlers, and children to follow a strict routine. When I first had my son, it was difficult for me to create a routine for him because I wasn't even living this out for myself. Now, as I mentioned, it's easier for me (in general) to create a routine for myself because of my personality. However, I had been working a job for three years where it made routine very difficult for me because I spent my energy at work. Creating a routine at that point was too exhausting to me. If you're also in that stage of life, I get it! I was there. But, I'm also here to help you establish a routine so that it makes life a little bit easier for you. Why It's Important Here are a few reasons creating a routine is so important:
Prioritize Right now, I'm still in the process of setting a routine but I still have a few set things that I prioritize. For me, my routine centers around my son. He wakes up, I feed him, make us breakfast, and I read or write. He goes down for a nap, I'll either work or start a work out. I also do quite a bit of research on fitness, my business, and writing so I incorporate this while he naps as well. Because I try to do so much in the morning, it's important for me to set a routine so that I am set up for success everyday. By the time my husband gets home from work, I've accomplished everything I wanted to do that day, I have dinner made and I can actually relax and enjoy the evening. Before quitting my day job, a routine was VERY difficult. However, I still set one. There were a lot less things on my routine list when I was working 40-60 hours a week but I still recognized the importance of it. I normally worked out in the evening. My goal before I quit my job was to work out in the morning before my husband left for work. I read on my lunch break. (I've always incorporated reading into my routine.) I would write if I had time on my lunch break. It was difficult, but I always tried my very best to incorporate at least one new thing, no matter how small it was. For working parents, I get it! I still struggle with routine even staying at home. I work from home but I also take care of my little one. So, most of the time I only get things done while he naps. And that's okay. Because I've set a small routine for myself, I still feel more accomplished by the end of the day. I'm setting myself up for future success. I'm also more emotionally available at the end of the evening to be present with my family instead of worrying about the things I didn't accomplish that day.
Enjoy your life. Set a routine and set yourself up for freedom and more success. |
About this page:Here I want to share daily adventures with my little one, tips and tricks I'm learning along the way, and how I stay afloat while managing my businesses from home. Archives
August 2019
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