It seems like every "parenting" page talks about mom guilt. I can't speak of dad guilt since I'm not a dad but I do know that exists too and since I want to make my page a place where everyone feels welcome and validated, I would like to also say that you are also dad enough. Dads are often left out of the equation of insecurity in parenting. I do not want to exclude anyone at all.
The other day, I was sitting, trying to work, Jackson was crying and I was overwhelmed with guilt. It wasn't guilt from raising my voice or anything. It was a different kind of guilt. He got RSV last December so anytime he catches a cold, he's just a little more prone to catch RSV again since it's sitting in his lungs for a couple of years. His runny nose turned to a cough and that cough turned to RSV very quickly. Watching your child struggle to breathe is so sad and terrible. My initial reaction to him being sick was guilt. I know he caught a cold from a child at the gym's childcare. I saw a child screaming with a runny nose and thought nothing of it. I saw Jackson chewing on a toy at the childcare and thought nothing of it. But because he has this terrible virus in his lungs for two years, he just so happened to catch it. I felt guilty for going to the gym, for putting him in childcare with other children who were clearly sick. I felt guilty for not paying more attention to the fact that there was a sick child. I felt guilty because I thought it insinuated that I'm not a good enough mother to watch out for these things. I haven't slept much this week. I've prioritized my family, my work, trying to come up with a business plan, writing, etc. I have so much going on that I want to prioritize and I should have prioritized my talks with Jesus because I most definitely wouldn't have struggled as much as I did with the self-guilt. Jack has been very grouchy lately and rightfully so. He's a baby. He's growing, he's sick, he's teething. It's hard being a baby! It really is. And I'm usually not frustrated when he cries but when it's been all day and you're inside for a week to quarantine him, it does make your mind spin a little. So, I raised my voice just a little bit. I wrote a post here about the first time I raised my voice and how guilty I felt. Since I rarely ever raise my voice, Jackson looked at me with a "What???" expression before continuing on in his little scream. For some reason, I have this idea that the mistakes I make like that are going to scar him for the rest of his life. I am intentionally seeking and pursuing a healthy pattern for my family. In order to stop generational mistakes, sometimes you have to do things like stay up late to reflect on what you need to work on. Sometimes sacrificing for my family looks like me leaving for a couple of hours so that I can just get away and get into a safe headspace. I texted my mom because I felt so guilty about raising my voice. I told her that I finally realized I'm wasting all of this guilt and worry, thinking that all of my mistakes are hurting my son for life, when I forget that I have been through the worst of it and I'm here, still singing God's mercy and redemption. Yes, my story could have been written a lot worse. I could have chosen a different route but the fact is that I was able to still turn out okay. And I'm not comparing my parenting to my parent's, but if I turned out okay under such terrible circumstances, how much stronger will Jackson turn out with parents who lean on God for strength and who live in redemption? This is not done in my strength, but His. In His strength, I'm here after years of abuse of every kind. In His strength, I'm mentally strong and emotionally healed. I have a relationship with my birth mother and my son has a relationship with her as well. She's so strong and such a hard worker. As parents, we will never ever be perfect. We will always make mistakes. I've had several parents in my lifetime and for every one of them, I set a high standard of perfection on them like most kids do. Now that I'm a parent, I know how hard it is, I know how impossible it is to do this without Jesus. It just makes it so much easier to forgive and let go. My mom sent me a text as I was questioning my own mom guilt. "Jackson was born loving you and bonded to you and that is a sweet blessing. And you love him unconditionally." This is something I may have to say to myself every morning and every night. I love my little family oh so much. I love that I get to wake up next to my best friend. I love that I get to wake Jackson up. I love that I'm married to a man that allowed me to quit my job to support my dream and at the same time in doing so, giving me the opportunity to spend more time with my son and him. Our life is truly so blessed. I am mom enough. You are mom enough. You are dad enough. You may lose your temper, you may grow impatient at times. It's important to know your limit and when you're getting close to your limit, grant yourself grace. Maybe you yelled at the kids but apologizing to them and letting them see that you make mistakes too is so important. Remind them that God is their only perfect parent and that we have to go to Him for forgiveness too. How sweet it is to know my child loves me. I never want to take that for granted.
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About this page:Here I want to share daily adventures with my little one, tips and tricks I'm learning along the way, and how I stay afloat while managing my businesses from home. Archives
August 2019
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