This is my path to healing.
On this side of heaven, we will never be completely healed, completely pure. However, I have spent years pondering the word healing. To be on your path to healed means thriving in your relationships: your relationship with God, with your spouse or significant other, with yourself, with food, fitness, confidence, etc. For so long, I have considered my healing "good enough". I no longer look at pictures of those who have hurt me (rather in my childhood or in my very recent past) with deep pain and bitterness. I now see them with different eyes. I don't look at my childhood with a feeling of "what if". I see things differently now and because of that, I viewed myself as healed. Boy, was I wrong. I am a different person than I was five years ago and I am so thankful for that. However, insecurities that were deeply rooted in pain came to the surface very quickly when I embarked on this new season in my life. I had huge life changes happen very quickly and I was not prepared for all of it. I have communication issues when I feel deeply hurt and I realized that the root of this communication was not rooted in anger or simple inability to communicate but rather in insecurity. When I become insecure over how I'm feeling, if I'm allowed to feel a certain way, I immediately shut down. When I become insecure in my relationships, I shut down and it impacts everything around me. So lately, I have been finding things that hinder my confidence, my self-worth and I'm eliminating it. I did delete my social media until I felt that it no longer defined my self-worth. For me, it only took a couple of weeks. For others, it could be longer. Healing is not a linear process; it is a spiritual process. Don't put a timeframe on your healing and compare it to others. I also took a huge leap of faith recently and realized that I was staying in my current position based out of fear. I have always known that my calling isn't a typical 9-5 job. I do not regret any of my time here (I only regret the changes in myself that I allowed to occur) but I have officially given my Letter of Resignation at my current job. I knew I wouldn't be here forever but it is still bittersweet (with a little more sweet than bitter, ha) to be leaving a position that I honestly did feel passionate about. I knew that God paved the way for me to be here, making it obvious that it was meant for me. BUT I strongly believe that we are led to things for seasons. While I have been second guessing my decision to leave for weeks, I know it's time for me to go. I want to encourage you as well: Sometimes God calls us to persevere through the burn out. I persevered through my burn out. There were weeks and months where I was constantly depressed because I poured out way more than was being poured into me. But I felt led to stay and I really am glad that I did because the lessons I learned in staying were important for this season where I am leaving. It taught me grit: hard work and determination. I've been focusing on not comparing myself as well. We are all so different. We all have different personalities that bring a lot to the table. We are all made to look different and we should not be ashamed of who we are. I recently deleted all of my posts here on a whim. A small part of me regretted it as I watched my hard work and years of writing disappear but a bigger part of me knew that it was time for a fresh start. This blog brought me so much healing and now, I need a different path of healing: one that searches deep within me for the root of most of my issues. I have only scratched the surface and while it has changed me and made me a happier woman, I still have a long way to go. I hope this journey encourages you all as much as my previous journey encouraged you. <3 XOXO
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