I don't remember what grade it was. It may have been 2nd grade. I had always taken such pride in my schoolwork. I wasn't exceptionally smart, but I loved (and love) to learn. We had so much going on that year that I won't dive into. Despite it all, I had always been able to focus. "Focus, focus" was my motto. No matter what was going on in my little world, I wanted to succeed. So, to my surprise one year, I was told I had failed the math TAAS test (Texas Assessment). To me, failure meant I had lost my identity. I thought it meant I would have to be held back a grade or even take summer school. For some reason, neither of those happened and I was able to continue on. I must not have failed by much. But in that moment, I was terrified. I didn't want to be defined by this failure but I allowed it to. I always obsessed over missing important information in school. When we learned to tell time in elementary, I wasn't there that day and I don't remember anyone taking the time to show me what everyone else had learned so I was frustrated. I wanted to know what everyone else knew! And in middle school, when my peers were learning "fun" things in Math, I was frustrated because I had to miss out due to a "foster child" obligation. I felt like I was always playing catch up. You know those dreams we all have where we're running but we aren't really going anywhere? Our feet won't seem to catch up to how fast we are willing to push them. That's how I felt. Always. This feeling drove me and followed me in every area of my life. When I learned about Restoration Prayer Ministry (go to www.cwlinc.com for more information), I realized that I had so many generational curses and sins that I had to "catch up" on praying for. I stayed up so late because I was terrified I would get behind on it. I became obsessive over the details and a perfectionist over not missing a detail in prayer. When I went to college, I would quickly fall behind because I was always working 2 or 3 jobs and this same feeling of defeat would rush over me. And even in my last career, I always felt like I was playing catch up with casework and I hated that feeling. It impacted my mental health. I always felt like I was playing catch up. Others didn't understand the depth of the anxiety I had about not having control over my life. I wanted to have everything in place. I wanted to know that I could handle it all even when I couldn't. I had such deep issues from not being in control of how I wanted my early life to go. This feeling of wanting to be "all caught up" and in control regularly impacts my relationship with Christ and with others. When I get behind on my Bible readings, I start all over so I can stay on track. When I get behind on placing priorities on relationships, that's also why I give up. I become so overwhelmed with this feeling of failure that it overwhelms me and drowns me. And sometimes, it's easier to start over than to change my mindset. The Prodigal SonI love the Parable of the Prodigal Son. I wish I could say that I've only been the prodigal daughter once in my life but that's not true. I have been the prodigal more times than I can count. I'm always running, stopping, coming back and then right before I get back, I run again. In this story, it says that "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20b) The son didn't have to catch up to the father; the father ran to his son. I don't have to "catch up" to God. I don't have to catch up on my Bible readings. The quantity of it all means nothing if I am not desiring a relationship, a deeper understanding of Him. To know Him is not something my human mind can ever catch up to. The human brain has no capability of truly grasping the concept of God. He always passes up our expectations. His thoughts are higher than ours. He surprises me all of the time. So now, instead of stressing on how much I need to "catch up" to where I used to be, I am simply enjoying learning more, soaking it all in. Eliminating StressStress is impossible to avoid but it's necessary to eliminate stress that we create for ourselves. Playing a game of catch up will never do good for your soul. We won't always have it all together and that's okay. We aren't meant to live life playing catch up forever. Find where you are and aim for progress instead.
Don't let others fool you when they say they have everything figured out for their life. That's not for us to know. Part of the adventure is not knowing but trusting that someone else does. Say no to unnecessary stress. <3
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I've started a ton of posts on this subject. I never published them. They're either deleted or in my drafts because none of them measured up to everything I'm feeling right now. Here goes yet another attempt to capture this whirlwind of a life. Hopefully this one is the one.
Surviving has been a common theme for me. I'm a survivor. I survived trauma. I survived and was able to come out on the other side of a lot of unfortunate events. Something I asked myself during my most recent career was, "How am I thriving?" I know so many survivors. We all have such unique stories. Even each of my sisters have a different story than I do. However, I realized during those three years that I never asked myself how I'm thriving. To survive trauma is one thing but to thrive after a horrendous event or terrible stage in life is entirely different. We are capable of so much more than we realize. When I'm asked how I went through what I did, my only answer is "It's the only option I had. If you had to survive, you would have too." Often, we view someone with many accomplishments in life completely different if we knew about the obstacles they had to face to get there. Why is that? It's also difficult for anyone else to make something of themselves but for some reason we expect less from someone who has experienced hardships. Why is that? I hope I don't come across as harsh or insensitive. That's why I've started and deleted so many of these posts. I only want you to look deep within yourselves and ask why. Why do we expect different things, different successes, different stories for people regarding their background, race, sex, sexual orientation, or whatever it is we perceive as a hindrance. It's amazing to look at how far someone has come and the trials they faced to get there but it is so important to hold up higher goals for them, no matter who they are or what they went through. Expect big things and often people will rise to meet those expectations. I have not been thriving these past few years. I felt like it was "expected" of me to stop where I was in my career because I was offering hope to children who are in the position that I used to be in. I have always had these big dreams, world changing dreams. I've had them as long as I can remember. No amount of money in my pocket or life experience has ever changed that. I knew that my destination was far greater than my present situation. I expected more for myself than others expected for me. Yes, I had potential to change a lot where I was in my career but I also knew what I wanted to be and who I wanted to be and that career didn't line up at all unfortunately. But that's okay. It's okay to realize that where you are is just a temporary situation for growth. I grew so much. I learned a lot. It was a life changing experience. However, I always knew it wasn't a forever career. I tried quitting several times and everytime I asked for advice, I was told "You have so much to offer these kids." But in my eyes, I wasn't offering as much as I could. That's why it's so important to do your own search instead of depending on other's opinions. I listened to a video today and it really spoke everything I've been thinking this past six months. So often, we think we have to choose between our health, our happiness, and success. Why can't we have it all? We can! Everytime I watch videos where people talk about the amount of stress they went through to get to where they were, it never appealed to me. I'm a hard worker. When I want something, I stop at nothing to get it. But I value my well-being because I put myself through so much and I saw the danger in that. I lost my motivation, I lost sight of myself, I lost sight of relationships with people, with my family. I gained weight (wish that would have been something I lost, but nope! haha). I gained a ton of stress. I gained debt from spending money to fill a spot that was missing. There's some real talk that a lot of people just don't admit from their behind the scenes. I know now that even with all of my dreams and goals, in order to fulfill these successfully, I would have to make sure that I was thriving at the same time. So, what does thriving look like to me? Well, I have an 8 month old so sleep is unfortunately placed lower on my ladder. But, that's okay! I try to make up in other areas. I'm eating healthier. I make time for a work out everyday. I go outside. I make plenty of time to play with Jackson, to read to him, to stop and smile and encourage him. I have time to write. I have time to read. I have time to focus learning to build a business. This is thriving to me. Your definition of thriving may be different. I asked myself what it would take for me to thrive and I'm living everything out that I wanted for this moment in my life. Two months from now, that may change. And when that time comes, I will work towards that. If it's possible at all for you to sacrifice just one thing in order to thrive, what would that be? I was raised to think life is all work, hardly any play. And that's not okay. We should be able to enjoy life, to enjoy each other. If you're in school and you're incredibly stressed, change one thing that will decrease your stress. Learning can be fun. Make it fun. If you have a stressful job and you hate it, re-evaluate what you can do to change your career. I did this after months of promising myself I would leave and I never had the courage. Let me encourage you. It's worth it. I'm not saying starting over isn't going to be hard. Yes, it's going to be difficult. It's hard to start over. But I would rather choose this type of hard than the hard of living a comfortable and miserable life. Choose your hard and make it worth it. Thrive. |