All my life, I have struggled greatly with this idea of perfection. I wrote a blog about my own experience of being poor and remaining in a different mentality than what is associated with that life. I remember being obsessed with maintaining order around me. This is probably because my life was extremely chaotic around me but it began to establish a deeper need for perfection in every area of my life. My dad once joked (well, he wasn't joking, I think he was genuinely concerned) that something was up with me, about the fact that I had to shave my legs everyday. At the time, I was like "What are you talking about? All of my friends shave everyday!" You may be reading this and thinking, "What does this have to do with anything?" But that's when I realized I had an issue with perfection. I had a Class III underbite. I constantly prayed that God would take it away, heal me, etc. I didn't want surgery. I had braces for 8ish years. And what frustrated me the MOST is that I sincerely believed that God could heal me. I knew He could. I've seen Him heal diseases. I've seen Him work miracles in my own life. So, I felt truly unworthy. When we read the Bible, we read stories of miracles and how Jesus spoke of having faith as small as a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20). I had great faith. I truly believed I could wake up and be healed. Because I wasn't healed, it drove me into questioning for years. I questioned myself. I questioned God. One day, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12:7. I had read it many times before. This is where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. It can be interpreted many ways. I interpret this as something in Paul's life that kept him from being prideful. I looked at myself, I looked at all of my flaws. And while every part of me wanted to pick them apart and pick myself apart, I began to choose a different perspective. If I were born any different, I would most certainly struggle with pride. I hated my chin for years. Sometimes I still look at photos and tear my face apart. I was bullied for years. The bullying from others didn't bother me as much as my inner bullying. Maybe it's being married to a man who constantly reminds me how beautiful I am. Maybe it's experiencing such grace in my life, but I no longer want the perfection that a second surgery might bring me. I've been considering surgery that could possibly stop the progression of another underbite from forming, which is something my surgeon warned me of after my jaw surgery. And maybe I'll have it in the future. But I'm honestly in no rush to have it now. Instead of looking at pictures of me in disgust now, I look at myself and see the beauty of grace that God has showered upon me. I wasn't healed physically but He healed me emotionally and that is the biggest miracle of all. It's so hard not to tear yourself apart in the mirror nowadays. We have the media showing us "perfect" people. It's hard not to feel upset about our flaws. Laser hair removal, make up tutorials, perfect hair and bodies, tanning booths and tanning lotion. It's everywhere. But I'm in no rush anymore and I feel no need or desire to change the structure of my face for the world to like it more. I don't know about you but I also struggle with feeling a little hectic when my routine is messed up or when my place is just messy. Lately, I've been literally telling myself to "chill, it's fine. Just live in the moment right now" when I feel like I'm getting a little too OCD about everything. In the past, it's impacted my entire mood. Sometimes it still does but these moments are definitely fewer than they used to be. What's more important to me right now is how I'm stretching my mind, how I'm spreading God's love, and what I'm doing with my talents. Men and women alike both struggle with this. You do not have to conform to the world's standards. Focus on your brain, your heart, your own talents right now. It's okay to want to look good but it's not okay to make others feel bad about themselves. What makes you beautiful is how you treat others. XOXO Focus Forward
Certain things still remind me of those moments. Certain smells. The way the Air Conditioning hits my feet and reminds me to cover them. The other night, as I was lying beside my husband, I took his hand and realized how blessed I am not to be a statistic. I won't pretend to know exact statistics because I think they need to be researched again. But working with the Department, I saw with my own eyes the truth in statistics. Most don't go to college. Most don't find forgiveness. A lot of them never trust someone enough to find the love of their life. My life wasn't and isn't easy but no one's is. I think what separates those who focus forward is the realization of grace, forgiveness, and hope. Grace given to me that I can offer others. Forgiveness to heal myself and those who hurt me. And hope for a better future than my past. I still have a long way to come but if you saw me three years ago, you'd also realize that I've come a long way. Focus forward. Your future has potential to be brighter than your past.
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When I quit my job, I asked myself a thousand questions:
Why am I doing this? What is my motivation? What will I do now? Will it matter? Will I regret this? What about the teenagers that I can influence? I didn't love my job but I loved moments of it. Some moments were hard. Like the moments where I had to struggle to find a sitter when I would unexpectedly have to work late. Or the moments when I felt that I had to choose between my family and someone else's. I felt that my family values were being tested when I spent more time at work, teaching others to value their family while I spent more time at work than with my own little one. It felt hypocritical. Becoming a mom was honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me (aside from becoming a wife). Jack is mine and Joey's legacy. The moment I saw the pregnancy test was the moment I made a conscious decision to stop a generation of curses and begin a generational cycle of blessings, not in my own strength. Stopping generational curses to me meant a sacrifice. Next to my computer, I had a list of my goals within the Department. I had a list of names of people who were in the job position that I wanted to eventually be in. This list helped me to remember to look at their influence and learn how they do things so I could get there. I also had a print out of the organization's name that I wanted to start within the Department. Leaving my job meant unfinished work and goals that were never reached. For my personality, that was a huge sacrifice. But my family means more to me than all of this. Leaving the Department made me realize what was more important. Sacrificing those goals was an easy decision compared to the lives changed. I am a better wife because I'm more present. I am a better mom. My children and my children's children will forever be changed because of the small decisions made. Because of every blessing, big and small, sent my way, the cycle of generational curses can stop with me. I have been blessed beyond belief. I may have had a lot of dreams and goals with my last job, but quitting my job has set me up for bigger goals and bigger dreams. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that we have been blessed as much as we have but blessings come with obedience and we have definitely strived to live a life of obedience. Live a life of obedience and this will in turn lead to a life of no regret. Someone told me that when you're poor, a certain mentality comes with it. Laziness supposedly accompanies poverty. Lack of motivation. Lack of cleanliness.
I disagree. For most of my life, I had little to nothing. And despite it all, through every experience in life, my motivation never decreased. I still wanted to maintain order in my life. I still knew I wanted to be someone with a purpose in life. Circumstances are not always permanent. We shouldn't make decisions based on events and circumstances that are only temporary. Changing our mentality is created by habits. I create a habit of cleanliness. I create a habit of maintaining motivation. If you base your identity and mentality on the circumstances around you, you create a rocky foundation. It's harder to walk a path that no one else is walking. It's easier to walk a path you're expected to give in to. But walking in a path to fulfill your own hopes and dreams allows you to take back your life. Stop allowing your circumstances to control who you think you are and where you think you're going. Being poor can be a temporary situation. Being poor is not a mentality. Having a season of failure can be a temporary situation. It is not a mentality. So, don't settle for that excuse. Your current situation does not have to control your mentality. Seasons of life are not your destination. Who are you? Who am I? Questioning our identity is almost a part of being human. I don't think I've met a single person who has never questioned who they are, their worth, or their purpose. Throw a traumatic event or two in there, an out of the ordinary childhood, and a Type A personality in there, and you have constant questioning, constant wondering. Because I question myself so much, my intelligence and quick wit is often looked over. That's okay. When a question is asked, instead of being the first to answer, I'm often hesitant if it seems to easy because I assume, "There's no way I'm the smartest person in this room." Here's a silly memory I have to show you what I mean: My first year of college, I befriended a couple of guys who were car enthusiasts. I catch on quick to my environment, so I was quick to pick up on things. I started studying headlights to where I could guess car models to show them that I could keep up with their conversation. When I got back from school, I tried bragging on myself, which I rarely do, to show that I did know a little about cars. I can't remember the exact model (I'm very rusty in my car knowledge now, no pun intended.) but I know it was an Audi. And I knew it was an Audi as it was approaching (even as it was about half a mile away) but I doubted myself because it seemed like such a simple guess. Because I hesitated, I was doubted. Because I was doubted, I doubted myself. Self-doubt is normal. A part of me is glad that I'm not the "know-it-all" in the room but a bigger part of me always wishes I were a little more bold, ready to give the answer even if I'm wrong. At the end of May, I planned a lot for my weekend. I do that a lot. I wanted to please everyone so I jam packed my day instead of thinking about what was best for my family. I pride myself in following through with what I say. Someone I love lied to me a lot growing up and I always wanted to be the opposite. I wanted to mean what I said, do what I said I would do, and be the person I said I would be. When I know I'm going to fall short of my word, I always feel terrible, like falling short means I'm instantly made into a liar instead of giving myself the mercy of having too full of a schedule. When I couldn't follow through, the rock upon which I have built my identity was questioned. Am I a woman of my word? I always thought I was. And I am. I follow through. If I tell you I'm going to do something, I do what I can to follow through. BUT, because I built my identity on this silly little thing, once it was questioned, my entire foundation shook. Not only did I question myself, I questioned whether or not I was like the person who lied to me my entire childhood. Solid Foundation
I am not that person. I am me. My foundation should never have been built on my past, or my desire to not be like someone else. My foundation should have been and should always be on my identity in Christ. I may not always follow through on my word because I am human. But God always says what He means and follows through on His promises. I may not always give the right answers, but God does and He never hesitates with the answers. His yes is yes and His no is no. We are not perfect. How we are perceived may not be who we actually are. But God knows, He sees us. Our identity was never meant to be in our own human abilities or our talents. Our identity and purpose rests in Him. Thank God it does because I may not always be a woman of my word but God is THE word, He always follows through. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways higher than our ways. Who am I? I am His. |