All my life, I have struggled greatly with this idea of perfection. I wrote a blog about my own experience of being poor and remaining in a different mentality than what is associated with that life. I remember being obsessed with maintaining order around me. This is probably because my life was extremely chaotic around me but it began to establish a deeper need for perfection in every area of my life. My dad once joked (well, he wasn't joking, I think he was genuinely concerned) that something was up with me, about the fact that I had to shave my legs everyday. At the time, I was like "What are you talking about? All of my friends shave everyday!" You may be reading this and thinking, "What does this have to do with anything?" But that's when I realized I had an issue with perfection. I had a Class III underbite. I constantly prayed that God would take it away, heal me, etc. I didn't want surgery. I had braces for 8ish years. And what frustrated me the MOST is that I sincerely believed that God could heal me. I knew He could. I've seen Him heal diseases. I've seen Him work miracles in my own life. So, I felt truly unworthy. When we read the Bible, we read stories of miracles and how Jesus spoke of having faith as small as a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20). I had great faith. I truly believed I could wake up and be healed. Because I wasn't healed, it drove me into questioning for years. I questioned myself. I questioned God. One day, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12:7. I had read it many times before. This is where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. It can be interpreted many ways. I interpret this as something in Paul's life that kept him from being prideful. I looked at myself, I looked at all of my flaws. And while every part of me wanted to pick them apart and pick myself apart, I began to choose a different perspective. If I were born any different, I would most certainly struggle with pride. I hated my chin for years. Sometimes I still look at photos and tear my face apart. I was bullied for years. The bullying from others didn't bother me as much as my inner bullying. Maybe it's being married to a man who constantly reminds me how beautiful I am. Maybe it's experiencing such grace in my life, but I no longer want the perfection that a second surgery might bring me. I've been considering surgery that could possibly stop the progression of another underbite from forming, which is something my surgeon warned me of after my jaw surgery. And maybe I'll have it in the future. But I'm honestly in no rush to have it now. Instead of looking at pictures of me in disgust now, I look at myself and see the beauty of grace that God has showered upon me. I wasn't healed physically but He healed me emotionally and that is the biggest miracle of all. It's so hard not to tear yourself apart in the mirror nowadays. We have the media showing us "perfect" people. It's hard not to feel upset about our flaws. Laser hair removal, make up tutorials, perfect hair and bodies, tanning booths and tanning lotion. It's everywhere. But I'm in no rush anymore and I feel no need or desire to change the structure of my face for the world to like it more. I don't know about you but I also struggle with feeling a little hectic when my routine is messed up or when my place is just messy. Lately, I've been literally telling myself to "chill, it's fine. Just live in the moment right now" when I feel like I'm getting a little too OCD about everything. In the past, it's impacted my entire mood. Sometimes it still does but these moments are definitely fewer than they used to be. What's more important to me right now is how I'm stretching my mind, how I'm spreading God's love, and what I'm doing with my talents. Men and women alike both struggle with this. You do not have to conform to the world's standards. Focus on your brain, your heart, your own talents right now. It's okay to want to look good but it's not okay to make others feel bad about themselves. What makes you beautiful is how you treat others. XOXO Focus Forward
Certain things still remind me of those moments. Certain smells. The way the Air Conditioning hits my feet and reminds me to cover them. The other night, as I was lying beside my husband, I took his hand and realized how blessed I am not to be a statistic. I won't pretend to know exact statistics because I think they need to be researched again. But working with the Department, I saw with my own eyes the truth in statistics. Most don't go to college. Most don't find forgiveness. A lot of them never trust someone enough to find the love of their life. My life wasn't and isn't easy but no one's is. I think what separates those who focus forward is the realization of grace, forgiveness, and hope. Grace given to me that I can offer others. Forgiveness to heal myself and those who hurt me. And hope for a better future than my past. I still have a long way to come but if you saw me three years ago, you'd also realize that I've come a long way. Focus forward. Your future has potential to be brighter than your past.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |